Living with being different

I was thinking a great deal of my experience in this life being different. Ever since I was a child, I always knew that I was very different. I have experienced that feeling of being an outsider. When I was admitted into deaf school, I thought that the feeling of being different is resolved when I am among my peers. I found myself to be wrong once again . . . I found the difference as soon as when I entered pre-teens. I found my friends doing things that I wasn't allowed to do like watching R-rated movies or wearing immodest clothes. It was when I realize what it means to be a Latter-day Saint.

I talked about that sense of normalcy with my husband . . . A word used frequently in psychology studies. When they try to make the sense with people who weren't getting along well in their life. I also have seen how our perception of reality becomes distorted when our brains aren't working too well. It was very unsteady field, the psychological studies . . . Just like Alice in the Wonderland. Things always look pretty crazy and logic becomes a bit skewered. We also noted that people with similar issues tend to feel more comfortable with others that share those with them. Like mothers enjoying time with other mothers or computer programmer appreciating a long conversation time with another computer programmers.

Today in Relief Society, we talked about the Living Water . . . The story of clean water project was mentioned. Church frequently goes to third world country to build wells for the villages. Before Church built wells . . . women frequently had to set aside a large part of day to walk nine miles to get clean water for her family. After the new well being established, she just has to walk a mile to get it. I thought it was very important to clarify and make a point. I talked about in many parts of the country, they weren't lacking in water but rather lacking in CLEAN WATER. They have a quite bit of water but much of it is infested with parasites and typhus. You will become sick if you drank them. I thought a great deal of the importance of having clean water and how it contributes to our well being. While dirty water makes us sick. What we put into ourselves really make what we are. Sick or healthy. Also, we discussed about how gospel, living water, made our lives very different from the others . . . Gospel really sets us aside!

While we are capable of identifying what is wrong with our physical body, we are not able to identify our spiritual needs outright. As we were born, we came down with veil clouding our spiritual eyes. We are unable to see the other side and we forgot everything as in whole sense. So we are left with what we could experience with our human senses. So it really leaves us with too little to grapple on. We then develop that sense of normalcy within our perception of what is real and what is not.

We want to feel like we belong to something. We crave for love. We once lived in the light of love that belongs to our Heavenly Father. We miss it dreadfully so we work so hard to belong to something. Within our current existence, we seek for what is normal and what is not then we work so hard to belong so we can get what we crave for which is love and acceptance.

I suppose that Heavenly Father knew that so well and gave us that difficult challenge . . He said, "Be my peculiar people". He is asking us to be different. He is asking us to become HIS people and be similar to Him.

As I was growing up, I had to make many difficult choices that would set me apart from the others and give myself a lonelier life. It is even lonelier because I am deaf . . . Not too many of those are both deaf and Latter-day Saint. It did give me a will and strength to make better choice when I became an adult.

Hectic moments with a dash of wicked humor

There's a couple of funny stories . . .

Timothy saw Clinton's grandma and boy did he stared!

Clint's grandma asked him gravely, "Do I look very old?" figuring that seeing old person as her is a rare occurrence for Timothy.

Timothy answered, "Yes, you look old."

After some talking, Timothy asked her, "Did you already die before?"

Well, last week is all done! Bridal shower, Father's Day, Sealing, and Christina's first endownment. Two Sundays ago, I could not sleep because of feeling of being stressed out already was sinking in. I am very relieved now with how they all are over with. They are a lot of work plus with managing children at same time. I always was feeling pretty exhausted and just fell onto the bed and slept like dead.

With a good cause for celebration, I posted on facebook wickedly . . . "We added a new family member last Friday" and added as if afterthought "But it is not something that drools and wears diapers. I got a new brother in law." I got some funny comments afterwards.

Yesterday, we had a father's day celebration with my step father over Susan's house. Susan is a such kind hearted sister who is willing to put up with us and the rowdy combination of cousins.

We had BBQ food and happy time together. Today, dad is on his way home . . .

Christina and her Dan are in Northwestern doing their honeymoon. Clint and I missed our wedding anniversary yesterday. But we fully intend to celebrate it sometime this week.

Forever Family

While I was looking into Foster program for option of adoption, I was amazed to see that the phrase, "Forever family", often came up in every background of every child that is waiting for adoption. I truly can feel that yearning every child has for a permanent family and permanent stability. It is truly amazing thing and a miracle when they have found their "forever family".

Christina is getting married in two weeks. It has been a quite spiritual journey she made until this wedding that she will have in Bountiful Temple. I think we all have our own journey till we got there and by the time when we are in sealing room, . . . being sealed to our husband for all eternity. I honestly felt so overjoyed when I have that man kneeling across from me, eager to stay with me for forever and working with me to have a family that have that bond with us forever.

On the day when my sister gets sealed forever, it will be eleven months from the death of mother. I still remember my sister tearing up and saying that her mother won't be physically present for her wedding and baby. It made me very sad. I know it is very important to our mother. She IS happy for each of her daughter! I knew that my mom would dote on Christina, her baby . . . and be with Christina, planning everything down to details. Well, I know with absoluteness that our parents will be present at the sealing. Temple draws family together, veil that separates us become meaningless. I really take a great deal of comfort in that sense.

Forever family . . . is our ultimate goal. It is enough for mother put in as her last words to me- which was very important to my mother. I was thinking on how when we are given the chance to tell our children some last words before we depart into next life . . . What would we say? What type of things that are we especially want our children to remember? What is our biggest desire? I know one . . . It is being able to meet again in the end. To achieve that, we need to remember always the commandments of God and working towards the ultimate goal which is making our families bond to out last everything. I suppose that mom had that sense that she was having this last conversation with me, so she want to give me that feeling that she is very anxious to have that togetherness after our period of trial.

Happy Mother's Day

Normally when I am putting up a post, I usually know what I am going to say and make a point out of. But today, I am feeling a little lost.

I must confess that I did take a time in trying to decide what I am getting Clint's mother and my mother for their special day. I really have had hard time trying to decide for my mother's. One-she is not around to appreciate books that I normally send and father doesn't appreciate books like my mother does. Finally, I settled on flowers for her grave. Flowers are more expensive when you do mail order. Ugh. I did it anyways. It really is a self conflicted thing. The dead doesn't care much about materials and appreciate thoughts/remembrance more. I think it was more of missing her a great deal because I used to be so excited in choosing a book for mother to enjoy every year.

I think the best gift I can give to her is to memorialize her which I did after her death. I will just drop a few that I know about her . . .

My mother was born on June 15 . . . Year of 1955. She was 5 lbs, few oz and very small baby. I am not certain why she was born so small. Grandpa said it is thought that her mother had rubella while my mother was in-womb. Her parents did not find out how my mother was deaf until when she ran off and her mother called for her. I think she was approximately two years old.

Mother was a beautiful little blonde girl. My mother often wore short hair as she was growing up. Even though, she is pretty, she told me her wish while she was growing up was having longer hair. Meanwhile, while her parents still were together- grandma would be making her lots of nice handmade dresses. My mother would remicise how she loved going over her own grandma's house. Grandma would teach her to crotchet. And while grandma is busy with gardening or in kitchen, mother would wander around in the house, seeing all of those interesting fun things like indian corns hanging on line in garage, rows of beautiful green vegetables, and watching grandma working. I think my mother honestly felt that grandma is the one she relates the best with and with this grandma my mother genuinely felt loved.

My mother had difficult childhood so her times with grandma is one of the most treasured moments in her life. My mother had oral education ever since she entered school. My mother is very smart, self sufficient, and hard worker. All the same, she came in last with many things. She struggled to understand teachers, peers and others. I think my mother spent most of her life trying to act that she understands and avoiding situations that may poise her awkwardly. I recall some stories told to me how she sat back in the classroom because she hoped that teachers won't put her on spot and ask some questions. My mother was so scared to death of that!

When my mother got out of high school, she took a semester or two at college to learn data entry skill. She married my father at age of nineteen and had me at age of twenty. She told me how she managed to persuade my dad into having children just because she wanted so badly to have that joy of having a family of her own. At age of twenty-two, she had Susan and at age of thirty, she had Christina. At age of thirty-four, she lost her husband to cancer. For five years, she was a widow, student, full time income earner, and mother. I know it was difficult for her. She fell short very often. But she came around to help us sometimes when we need it. She has hard time expressing her emotions back then but she told me often later on- how much she loved us. How much she felt proud of us.

At age of thirty-nine, she married my step father. They were deliriously happy! My step-father is around her age and have a lot of active interests like my mother. In beginning of their marriage, they went hiking a lot. My step-father always was encouraging my mother to do fun things like sewing - purchased my mother lots of nice stuff so that she can enjoy it.

At age of fifty, my mother began having health problems. She got a lot of strange diseases that we never ever heard of. They are so much unrelated with family history, genetics, and all. Susan and I felt very frightened about it ever since the death of our mother.

Our step-father . . he is so lonely! We felt so sad! We saw this loneliness our mother had to endure and it broke our hearts knowing that our step father is going through the same thing.

Mother, it almost is a year ever since we lost you. I don't think we are able to stop counting the time we have to be separated. We love you and Happy Mother's Day.

Kindness Goes Long Way

The gentle influence of love called "kindness" that motivate people to look out for the others nearby. I have thought long and hard about the meaning of those such things.

First of all, that gentle, warm, and connected feeling we have is called "love" . . . I have discovered many times in this life that I am more likely to feel love are for those who I share much of needs, dreams, and life with. How do I feel love and kindly towards strangers? Jesus Christ have taught us may times that we need to be kind and loving towards those we don't know. It is truly challenging because it is our nature to be scared of the unknown. What is this stranger's intentions? Would he/she wish us harm? What will they look to us as? For some, we are scared of being looked at as "money tree" to fuel their bad habits?

How can we reach across the bridge of our fears and anxieties? We just need to think . . . how those people want to be loved like we want to be loved. How those people have struggles, doubts and insecurities like us. God gave us scriptures that are over 1,000 years old . . . Because those people have similar circumstances - regardless of their time period- and what they have to share still is applicable to our time. Our prophets have mentioned that there's no such thing as new sin, new temptations, or new issue. It is just same old thing with different face. Why? We all are children of God. We are like Him in many ways. The path we walked was walked before by our ancestors in this life. In different epoch, different place, and even different universe? There were many beings that faced the same thing we faced.

As long as we are children of God, we instantly have something in common.

As for the "kindness goes long way" theme I began out . . . I remember when I was alone, sad, and struggling . There were some people who bothered to reach out, made friend with me, and listened to me. I was so overwhelmed and incredulous . . . Those people had no reason to be kind because they are stranger in the beginning. They cared enough to risk their heart for my own sake.

As we reach out our own sphere knowing that we want to do to those like we want them to do to us . . . We step closer to God. Kindness goes long way . . . It leaves print on our heart, warms us when we are lonely, and inspire us to do the same to the others. Kindness is like a chain of reaction in humanity- like negative emotion can.

18There is no ^afear in ^blove; but perfect ^clove casteth out fear: because fear hath ^dtorment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4

As long as we feel love, we no longer feel fear. Isn't love a such beautiful thing?

Living as Zion's people

I have seen many times how far we are from those characteristics of people in the Zion.

I loved how Neal A. Maxwell put this as "When people govern themselves, there's no law necessary to govern them." *(Not exactly put as this but conceptually same).

When we choose to work toward the same goal . . . We understand that we must ignore our frailities or others' frailities . . . Picking up after each other ungrudgingly.

One sightful lesson Clint and I learned from our children was last Friday.

Clint instructed children to clean their rooms then as soon as when everyone got their rooms clean, we all can go swimming. Well, girls cleaned their room without any frictions. However, it is different for boys. Ian and Timmy bickered over whose doing what, what belongs to whoever, or whatsoever . . . Clint told Ian, "What is wrong with doing extra work just that we all can go swimming?" Ian was stubbornly resolute . . . Timmy HAS to clean his stuff up! In the end, nobody went swimming. Suzy was so sad! Girls both achieved the end but boys didn't. But all paid the price just because few won't do their part.

That is pretty sightful for Clint and me! We came to an understanding that to become truly Zion's people, we need to be unitified in all things. We must accept that we may come short because of few.

That message reasonated with Clinton's mother and she also added how we are put into family unit for that purpose. We need to learn how to work together. Through our families are we able to become Zion's people.

Two weeks, no post

What is three weeks compared to the recent thing I did- 1 1/2 years ago? Ha.

Actually, I was out to South Dakota for a week to help dad with some of mom's and his personal stuff. We have had nice five days with him. We had the opportunity of cooking him meals, cleaning some parts of his house, and all. We just wanted to do that because we love him as our dad and remembering our promise to mother that we will take care of dad when mom passes away.

Today, I want to concentrate on a topic . . . Celebrating the meaning of change.

I truly believe that "change" is a word that only exists in this mortal life. In this existence, we witness change in action daily. Seasons, earth shifting into different landscape, cycle of caterpillar into moth, things in entropy state, growing old. We instinctively are fascinated. Why? The state we came from is very much unfamiliar with this concept, "change".

We knew forgiveness exists because things always change . . . Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow . . . Things always are different. With that entropy state we are in, we also forget things constantly.

Also, there's a miracle of repentance that only exists in this life. As Alma has mentioned,, "And thus we see, that there was a ^atime granted unto man to repent, yea, a ^bprobationary time, a time to repent and serve God." Alma 42:4

This probationary time as was mentioned earlier is only made possible because of this state we are living in. We are capable of repentance. Alma has warned that "And if their works are evil they shall be ^arestored unto them for evil. Therefore, all things shall be ^brestored to their proper order, every thing to its natural frame—^cmortality raised to^dimmortality, ^ecorruption to incorruption—raised to ^fendlesshappiness to ^ginherit the kingdom of God, or to endless misery to inherit the kingdom of the devil, the one on one hand, the other on the other—" Alma 41:4

If we choose to continue what we want to do . . . We hardly will change in the day of resurrection. However, if we decide to improve ourselves, change the way we think, and have desire to do right thing . . . That's the state we will be resurrecting into. We don't change when we become resurrected. As Alma said, we are just "restored" to our former state. Alma also taught that once when we become resurrected, we won't be able to change ourselves because we are moving back into a state that we once were in premortal state.

When we are in "perfect" state, we become incapable of change.

As we consider the steps of repentance, we usually read those steps as:

1. faith in God

2. confess

3. feel sorrow

4. abandonment of sin

5. restitute

6. righteous living

I didn't realize until recently that we also need to recognize the most important step (like 12 steps) . . . We need to understand that we have to admit/accept that we have the problem the foremost. We need to recognize that prior behavior/habit we have been having is destructive to ourselves and the others.

We all must come to that realization that we are human and we need to change . . INEVITABLY. Changes as many have said are always very good. Change motivates us to be better.

How much often do people rejoice with changes? VERY often! They are happy when leaves fall, they are happy when snowflakes come out, and they are happy when snow is melting and flowers are peeking out.

We must concentrate on rejoicing how we are capable of changing. Instead of letting go of our bad habits and thinking of how people criticizing us because we did something wrong . . . We must concentrate on the opportunity of changing ourselves. We must let go of worrying so much about others hurting us and celebrate for the opportunity of trusting in the Lord and letting Him to teach us.

I was asked to speak last Sunday and here is the copy

Bearing Testimony

What an interesting topic! How often do you hear that sort of topic being shared. It led me to wonder why this topic was chosen. What is needed to be said about it . . .

Our Stake President always is inspired. There's a good cause in why this topic was chosen. In Zion, we know how dangerous it is to declare that all is well.

2 Nephi 28:21

And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.

The reason we are discussing this topic is because we MUST always be on constant watch on the subject of self-improvement.

Testimonies we hear are done once a month and bore so frequently that they are staples of being member of Jesus Christ's Church. We are beginning to take it for granted. It shouldn't be! Testimonies are part of miracles we have the privilege of witnessing.

The miracle of bearing testimony is not well-understood of many. Many don't know how it blesses other's lives. To fully understand why it is miracle we witness daily while we hear the others bearing the testimony.

Gifts of the Spirit . . .

13To some it is given by the ^aHoly Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world.

14To others it is given to ^abelieve on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful.

Doctrine and Covenants 46:13-14

As those scriptures, we are taught that there are two gifts involved- To know by the Holy Ghost and to believe on their words. Those are two gifts among many and those are gifts especially related to bearing the testimony.

We are given the gifts as soon as we become members of His Church for one major reason:

21Therefore, why is it that ye cannot understand and know, that he that receiveth the word by the ^aSpirit of truth receiveth it as it is preached by the Spirit of truth?

22Wherefore, he that preacheth and he that receiveth, understand one another, and both are ^aedified and ^brejoice together.

Doctrine and Covenants 50:21-22

Those gifts are designed to help us to grow in this great endeavor of God's work. We need those miracles to know that Heavenly Father has His Hand in our lives.

To show our true appreciation for those gifts, we need to strive for better ways to bear our testimonies. We need to always remember that they are miracles given to us by Heavenly Father who loves us very much.

Elder Packer have stated one way to improve ourselves as this:

Elder Packer shared a story of his experience with the missionaries . . .

“After hearing 206 missionaries stand up and make an expression, I finally came to the realization that we had heard 205 talks and only one testimony. The responses went something like this: 'I'm grateful to be a missionary. I'm glad to be on a mission. I have a great companion. I love my companion. I've had good companions all the time. We had a great experience last week. We were tracting (and so on), . . . and so you see how grateful I am to be on a mission. I have a testimony of this gospel. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”

“These missionaries had talked about testimony, but they had talked around and through it, underneath it and over it, but never to it. It was marvelous what happened when we were able to show them how one bears testimony.

There are two ways to spell bear. Bear means to carry . . . Bare means to expose or reveal or make known.”

1. We carry testimony everywhere with us.

2. We need to bear direct witness.

3. Bearing the testimony is something of an experiment: It is an act of faith.

4. A testimony is found in the bearing of it.

As parents, we know how important it is to be a good example. As we bear our testimonies to our children, our children will learn how to bear their testimonies. As they grow into adults, they will know how to bear their testimonies.

I remember when I was growing up, I never felt certain about how I should bear my testimony. I often have asked myself . . . “How do I know it is true?” I was not certain about those experiences I have had that truly are my testimony. How can I know for sure?

Elder Packer addressed that as “Young people, do not apologize or be ashamed because you cannot frame into words that you know in your heart to be true. Do not repudiate your testimony merely because you have no marvelous manifestations to discuss . . . We sympathize with you and know how difficult it is to hold to the truth, particularly when professors of worldly knowledge-some of them counterfeit Christians-debunk and scoff. We know from personal experience that you may have some doubts. You may wonder at times, 'Can I ever really know for sure?' You may even wonder, 'Does anyone really know for sure?' . . . In answer to your question, 'Can I ever really know for sure?' we answer, 'Just as certainly as you fill the requirements, that testimony will come.' The Lord never said, nor was it ever pretended, that this testimony yields itself to scientific investigation, to mere curiosity, or to academic inquiry.” (Bear the testimony)

-How I “KNEW”

-All I have come into contact with God . . . All always have been deeply printed on my soul

-There are some I am willing to share and there's some that are too sacred to share.

-When I stand up in the testimony, I strive as much as I can in sharing how I learn from the gospel through life issues I am working on. As I am honest with myself, I am not afraid of sharing the truth with the others.

Living by the Gospel everyday

I did ask myself many times- How am I living the Gospel today? I always feel like I fall short. I think because it was feeling like omission. I felt vaguely some where there that I missed something very important- or I have failed to grab that chance and act as the Lord's agent. Don't you sometimes feel like that?

I did give it some thought. I already have known that the purpose of Atonement is to fill what we fall short at that day. We just need to simply fulfill what God asks of us.

It does seem pretty simple. But we are back to the same thing- much is given, much is required concept . . . The Lord expects so much of us. Thus coined a phrase like that. Because we are blessed people. We are given so much. Of knowledge, of light and many great things. We are expected to act upon that.

I suppose that we are expected to struggle, aching of our imperfections ... Praying for divine guidance. We strive stumblingly to live by the Gospel. Like a child trying to ride bicycle for first time. We have to push pedals and learn how to balance ourselves. Heavenly Father expects us to hold onto the bicycle, work on the pedals, and even though that we fall . . . Everything is all right. Because we have that desire. We want to do the right. We try and work within our limitations.

Love makes world go round.

I wanted to set aside the time to celebrate love. Tomorrow's Valentine Day. So many people have been concentrating on materialistic part like roses, chocolate, cards and cookies.

Love is a wonderful, glorious thing. It makes people feel less lonely. Babies and children thrive the best in this condition. It is a magnet for many people in relationships and families. It helps to resolve misunderstandings and offers way for people to make peace. It is all pervasive. It motivated people to do many more kind things to many others. To be honest with you, Hippie's way of defining love never sat very well on me. Why? Well, they were DOING sexual stuff without boundaries and called it "love".

As many are aware, Jesus Christ was a person who was way beyond of his time. In fact, the world is the way as it is . . . Simply because of the era of Jesus Christ and His brief life span (33 years on the earth). In fact, this is God who walked on the earth, showing us way to greater existence and life. Shaker? Yes! He shook the earth and moved it in a way where nobody is able to think the same. He provided the way so that there may be other extraordinary shakers to change the population in different parts of world to change. Why am I talking about Jesus Christ when I was beginning out with "love" topic? Well, I felt that He is the very first person to teach about love especially with the population so focused on the basis of its survival.

I felt that because of Jesus Christ, our conception of love is like that. He taught how he is no respector of persons. He taught us how to love our neighbors as ourselves.

Book of Mormon only furthered His teachings talking about the meaning of Charity as a Pure Love of Christ. "Pure Love"! A conception we wonder if we are able to fully achieve.

I loved the stories of how people with a such simple lifestyles who still found ways to serve each other. Wow. It made us to wonder and question how we are living and why we defer the opportunity of helping the others.

We have had many great representatives who showed us the meaning of love. Pure Love is truly tested when we face trials. How we act in those difficult times. How we are able to forgive afterwards. Every representatives showed us how it worked out.

I am so glad we are celebrating love on Valentine's day. I am glad it meant more than only chocolates, roses, and cards. I love romances! I love love stories. I love hearing how people showed love for each other beyond relationships and reaching out to each other when the others are troubled. I loved how neighbors are able to look over the fence and wonder how they could help their neighbors. Love, YAHOO! You are my ultimate goal.

Well, if you want to know the reason why I am too romantic those days . . . Blame it on my husband and chick flicks.

The work of the Lord transcends all

My friend and I had an in-depth discussion about God's role in our lives. I came to this conclusion that God have greater perspective to everything. I have observed so many miracles that come with birth, death, life, and healing.

An inevitable question pops, "Why?" as in "Why do I live while other die of the same thing?" "Why can't I just have baby like my friends do?" "Why did he have to die?" . . . All are heart-rending mortal cry of grief. More recent for me, "Why did He have to take my mother too?"

At the time when my mother just died, my husband came next day with children to help out with funeral and just participate. He came to me gravely and told me that he felt the angels around us, comforting us.

It recalled me to the time when Jesus Christ was in the Garden of Gesthame when an angel came to comfort He struggled under the burden of the world. Jesus Christ, at the time of darkest period of His life, wasn't alone. Neither should we be. It is choice of ours to take the helping Hand or not.

Nonetheless, the work of God is greater of all . . . Moses 1:39 "For behold, this is my work and my glory- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."

So this is the "why" answer. It is the reason why people had to die. It is the reason why people had to live and had to be healed. God have said that there's not a sparrow that fell to ground that He didn't know about. He is omnipotent and omniscient (all powerful and all seeing). Meaning that there's not a situation in our lives is a coincidence or accidental. If necessary, He will have His angels to step in to act in an event that may interfere with His work.

The work of our God transcends all.

Parenting is an adventure

We enjoyed the film titled "Spy Kids" and one phrase struck me the most- how spies married and left this lifestyle for another great adventure- the most incredibly difficult and challenging adventure . . . Parenting.

I have wondered why parenting is a such challenging experience . . .

Kids push us to extreme point . . . You are to listen to constant whining from different sources with problems you can't fix . . . Misbehaviors you have to work on constantly everyday- even having to say things like broken record . . . Hoping one day, that concept will get to kids' head. You sometimes feel overstimulated one day or other and kids still won't stop. You have mental and physical exhaustion socking you into stomach- I say stomach because we never are prepared for it.

Adventure is defined in dictionary.com as
"1. an exciting or very unusual experience.

2. participation in exciting undertakings or enterprises: the spirit of adventure.

3. a bold, usually risky undertaking; hazardous action of uncertain outcome."

We never have experienced parenting before when we became pregnant. We have to stumble on our own. As many have said, there's no instruction manual coming with every child. Every child is different, his/her reaction to certain situation is totally different. We never will know the outcome of our parenting because- even with the best parents in the world, you may end up with a rebellious child who is very much determined to go opposite way when he/she becomes an adult. Parenting is very exciting, unpredictable, and a BOLD AND RISKY UNDERTAKING.

I have experienced sadness, heartbreak, joy incandescent . . . I have stumbled so many times and made mistakes. I looked like a fool at sometimes- just to play with my children or with making some rash decisions when I am blinded by my emotions.

Will I repeat it? Gladly! This experience is bittersweet, you can't understand bitter without sweet. Children are a such forgiving creatures who loves you unconditionally.

End of an epoch and start of another

Somber notice here:

My mother passed away exactly seven months ago today.

Recalling my last conversation with my mother- things were in chaotic state in the house as we were preparing for camping next day. Living space was all heaped up with camping equipment. I felt the prompting to call my mother on videophone. My mother answered my VP call immediately, much to my pleasant surprise. We talked and I told of my situation and I felt the prompting to call her. I did it despite the fact how stressed out I felt about preparation for camping and how I needed to get ready for our departure next day. We talked. Mother, all the sudden, told me to pay close attention- she then reminded me of my charge in this earthly life which is being wife and mother. How I have to focus my life in raising my children righteously and don't forget our major focus- which is bringing around the ultimate goal of Heavenly Father- eternal life and eternal family. I was surprised by this. I guess because she knows how capable I am and how focused I can be. I love my children dearly and want the best for them. I chose to stay home to do that. I decided to choose that day not to be offended (I never really had issue of being offended to begin with) and listen to my mother. I told her frankly that I knew that and I appreciated the truth of it. I told her that I love her so much (kissing ILY hand blowing it down to her directly).

In a week and half, mother was conferred into hospital and wheeled into surgery room. Within matter of three days, she died. We, the sisters, brought airfares on Thursday and flew out- arrived late night. We listened to dismal predictions from doctors and realize the severity of situation. We cried. Next day, we were told that mother is brain dead and realized that the situation is final. We pulled life support machine off and watched her die.

To understand how difficult it is for people to unplug life support machine on loved ones, you have to experience it yourself. It is the most incredibly difficult thing you would ever have to do . . .

I came out of this, realizing that there's an ending of an epoch in my life . . . My mother have lived for only twenty years after death of my father- and I, along with my sisters, will have to go on and carry this ultimate focus as my mother have charged me with. I did come to an understanding of how spiritually significant that last conversation I had with my mother was now. It recalled me to the story of Lehi on his deathbed giving his sons charges . . . And Israel giving his sons blessings. As how spiritual we all are- we are motivated to give our next generations that major charge in carrying on the work of God as we depart into next life. Our earthly task ends as our life ends here.

An new epoch begins . . . We will have to learn how to live in different sort of life without parents. We will have to learn how to carry on and focus on our next generation . . . bittersweetly.

The Spiritual Touch

A spiritual flash of insight here:

I was listening to lesson given in Relief Society on topic, "Sacrament" from Gospel Principle.

Teacher gave a loaded question: "How is Sacrament necessary for our Spiritual Growth?"

I did think about about it and realized the connection of my learning experience on the importance of touch. In intimate conversation between my sister, me, and my close friend, we talked about it and Susan mentioned to us that she learned from her mother in law about how humans need a minimum of eight touches per day. I recall how I read some concepts from "And They Were Not Ashamed" book talking about importance of being touched through a story of "Cipher in Snow" - a boy who died because of lack of touches/communication. The author pointed the comparison of touches in different cultures. I did think of stories how preemies thrived the best and left ICU soonest if the parents participated in technique known as "kangaroo Hold": holding small babies, using skin to skin contact. Another instance was how children in orphanages usually face late milestone development due to minimum amount of attention/touches compared to children being raised in loving environment. Therefore, we need to have physical touch (loving type) to survive.
I did think of how we need our spiritual touches with Heavenly Father in order to thrive.
Heavenly Father always is available but we need to be the ones to make that move. That is what faith means. And as we reach out, we make the connection. Through connection, are our spirits able to grow.
I came to understanding that through sacrament, we obtain the opportunity to do that. We need scripture studies, prayers, and may great other things that pull us toward to the Heavenly Father and move our spirits to reach out and touch. Without that would our spirits wither and die.